Why don’t Americans eat snails? Because they like fast food. Why do American restaurants serve Polish and Italian sausage but not German sausage? Cause they’re the wurst. ​ Studies show 9 in 10 Americans don’t have basic math skills. I’m so glad I’m in the 1%. ​ Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion. ​ It’s sad that almost nothing is made in America anymore. I just bought a new TV, and it said “Built-in antenna”. I don’t even know where that is! ​ Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop. ​ So, today I learned that you can fit 30 bananas inside a kangaroo’s pouch. Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore. I was going to cook alligator for dinner, but then I realized I only had a croc pot. ​ How can you tell the gender of an ant? If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats it’s . . . ​ One bird cannot eat a whole bowl of Fruit Loops. But toucan. ​ We just took a class about turtles. But it tortoise nothing. ​ What do you call a pig playing tug-of-war? Pulled pork. ​ What is a wallaby’s favorite type of music? Hip hop. ​ Why did the grizzly get fired from his job? He only did the bear minimum. ​ Scientists have found that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them. Apparently, it’s a case of in one ear and out the udder. ​ Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. ​ When women get to a certain age, they start accumulating dogs. This is known as “many paws.” ​ They are currently excavating the largest known dinosaur tibia to date. Apparently, it’s a real shindig. ​ I’m concerned. My cow has just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high. ​ I was walking in the jungle and saw this lizard on his hind legs, telling some brilliant jokes. I turned to a local tribesman and said, “That lizard is really funny!” He said, “That’s not a lizard. He’s a standup chameleon.” ​ What’s a shark’s favorite candy? A jaw breaker. ​ What does a dolphin ask when he doesn't understand? “Can you be more Pacific?” ​ The least interesting beast in the animal kingdom has to be a boar. (And I ain’t lion.) ​ Why are there no penguins in England? Because they’re afraid of Wales. ​ Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent. ​ You know why they called me rooster? BeCAUSE! ​ Five ants rented an apartment with five other ants. They’re tenants. ​ The amazing fact about ants is that they never get sick. They have anty-bodies. ​​ Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station. ​ What do you get when you combine an elephant and a rhino? El-e-phino! ​ To start a zoo you need at least a polar bear, a grizzly bear, and a black bear. That’s the bear minimum. ​ What's the difference between a Zippo and a hippo? One’s really heavy, and the other's a little lighter! ​ My wife asked me if I’ve seen the dog bowl. I said I never knew he did. ​ I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet. ​ What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. ​ What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch. ​ What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? “Odor in the court.” ​ Have I told you about my new horse? His name is mayo. Yeah...Mayo neighs. ​ I don't understand how people get attacked by sharks. Can't they hear the music? Butterflies…they just aren’t what they used to be. I went to a pretty bad zoo the other day. It only had one animal: a dog. Yeah, it was a Shih Tzu. I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me, “How did you know it was on its way to work?”

What do you call Australians that drink coffee together? Coffee Mates. ​ Two robbers were cleaning out a liquor store. One grabbed a bottle from the top shelf and asked, "Is this whiskey?" And the other replied, "Yeah, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank." What is a fairy’s favorite drink? Sprite. ​ I’m walking across Fantasyland and I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke. But don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink. ​ What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso. I have a backpack with a straw on it that helps me drink when I’m walking around. I like it, but it's not working very well. So, I replaced the straw, but now the straw is stuck, and the backpack is totally unusable. I think it’s the straw that broke the Camelback.

How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish the moment. Why are birthdays good for your health? Research has shown that people who have more birthdays actually live longer. Why were there balloons in the bathroom? There was a birthday potty! ​ What does every birthday end with? The letter Y. ​ Knock, knock! Who’s there? Omar who? Omar gosh, it’s your birthday! ​ What did the cheese say to his friend on his birthday? “Hope you have a gouda birthday!” ​ What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake? “No thanks, I’m stuffed.” ​ What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older. ​ What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? “Aye matey.”

I’m reading this book about anti-gravity. It’s so good, I can’t put it down. ​ I don’t mean to brag, but I’m the first person to make a book from onion skins. Read it and weep. ​ My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus. I was shocked. And appalled, dismayed, and aghast. ​ I’m reading a horror story in braille. Something really bad is about to happen. I can feel it. ​ A dad said to his son, “What’s a lion and witch doing in your wardrobe?” The son replied, “It’s Narnia business.” ​ I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please, don’t buy it. ​ I’m writing a book on how to not fall down the stairs. It’s a step-by-step guide. ​​ I got a new thesaurus, and it’s terrible. Not only that, it’s terrible. I’ve got this pencil that used to be owned by Shakespeare, but he chewed the end of it. I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

What’s the difference between the regular alphabet and the Christmas alphabet? Easy, the Christmas alphabet has noel. ​ I brought home a giant fake tree and started setting it up in the living room. And my daughter says, “Dad, that’s huge. Are you going to put it up yourself?” and I said, “Don’t be disgusting. I’m going to set it up in the living room.” ​ What did the snowman have for breakfast? Frosted Flakes. ​ How much did Santa Claus pay for his sleigh? Nothing, it was on the house. ​ Santa Claus hit a dragon and killed it flying over England. Yeah, you could say he sleighed it. ​ Why does Santa Claus always come down the chimney? Because it soots him. ​ What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney and the fire is lit? You get a Crisp Kringle. ​ How does Santa Claus always keep track of the many fireplaces that he has visited? Easy, he keeps a log. ​ I don’t know about you, but for me, every single Christmas Day ends exactly the same. With the letter Y. ​ What do you call a Christmas ornament that is all by itself on the Christmas tree? A decoration of independence. What did one snowman say to the other? “Hey, do you smell carrots?”

Did you hear about the paper that got ripped yesterday? It was tear-able. Did you hear the joke about the pizza? Never mind, it’s too cheesy. Did you hear the joke about the broken pencil? Never mind, t’s pointless. Did you hear the joke about inferiority complexes? Never mind, it’s not very good. Did you hear the joke about the kite? Never mind, it would just fly over your head. Did you hear the joke about procrastination? Never mind, I’ll tell it to you later.

Why did Mr. Potato Head’s dry-cleaning business go out of business? Because he always used too much starch. ​ How did Winnie the Pooh open his last jar of honey? With his bear hands. ​ Where does Captain Hook go to buy replacement hooks? The secondhand store. ​​ Did you hear there’s a new Beauty and the Beast film starring Cogsworth? Yeah, it’s about time. ​ Do you know why Mickey Mouse always carries a giant wheel of cheese in the trunk of his car? In queso emergency. ​ What is Captain Hook’s least favorite kind of shoe? Crocs. ​ Why did the seven dwarfs get kicked out of the bar? Because they were minors. ​​ If you go on the Jungle Cruise, watch out for the trees. They’re pretty shady. ​ Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys in Andy’s playroom. But would he? ​ Peter Pan would have the best dad jokes. Cause they would never get old. (Actually, I shouldn’t make Peter Pan jokes. Every time I deliver them, they never land.) ​ You know, Spiderman wasn’t that good at climbing walls at first. Good thing he stuck to it. ​ The Mad Hatter goes to his doctor. He says, “Hey doc, I think there’s something wrong with the medicine you prescribed for me. I keep veering to the left and then veering to the right.” And the doctor says, “Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Hatter. Those are just side effects.” ​ What is the Cheshire Cat’s favorite drink? Evaporating milk. ​ It’s a sad day. Did you hear that Lightning McQueen died? Yeah, he went into Cadillac arrest. ​ What did Winnie the Pooh say when he was offered dessert? “No thanks, I’m stuffed.” Pinocchio hasn't had much luck on dating apps. But what do you expect from a guy who's looking for a relationship with no strings attached? The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away…a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

I found a present for my mother-in-law in the attic. I’ll take it up to her later. ​ Did you know that Bruce Lee had a brother that was vegan? His name was Brock. Brock Lee. Speaking of brothers, everyone knows that Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a real monster. ​ Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mother only carries one phone, because once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal. ​ My great grandfather got his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it, though. ​ What’s the difference between a jazz musician and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family. ​ When I was a kid, I had a good childhood. My dad used to roll me down this big hill inside of this giant tire. Yeah, those were the Good Years.

What does a nosy pepper do? It gets jalapeno business! What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. ​ Why did the watermelon have an expensive wedding? Because they cantaloupe.​ I woke up with stir fry in my bed again this morning. I’ve got to stop sleep wok-ing. A cream-filled donut and an eclair decide to get a divorce. It’s actually a sad story. The real victims are their children. They’re in for a real custardy battle. ​​ How does a turkey like to drink its wine? In a gobble-let. ​ You know what’s great? Hard boiled eggs. You just can’t beat them. ​ What is the fastest liquid on earth? Milk—it’s pasteurized before you even see it. How many apples grow on an apple tree? All of them. ​ I’m in the chocolate store and this young kid throws a chocolate bar right at my head. How dairy! (I really shouldn’t make chocolate jokes. They’re not that funny. I barely even get any Snickers.) ​ I was her bread. She was my jam. One day she left me saying, “You deserve butter.” ​ What is bacon’s favorite movie to watch? Grease. ​ My doctor says I have a bacon addiction. Thankfully, he says it can be cured. ​ Ladies, time for a public service announcement. If your man doesn’t appreciate your fresh fruit puns, then please, let that mango. ​ Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penne-less. ​ I really enjoy talking to people about the health benefits of dried grapes. Yeah, I’m raisin awareness. ​ Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe. ​ What kind of apples throw the best parties? Gala apples. ​ If you have 17 apples in one hand and 14 apples in the other, what do you have? Really big hands. ​ Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France today? It was horrible. Da brie everywhere! ​ Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it! ​ What do you call a reluctant potato? A hesi-tater. ​ I always knock on the refrigerator before opening it. You know, in case inside is a salad dressing. ​ So, apparently you can’t use the term “beef stew” as a password. Yeah, it’s not stroganoff. ​ What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple. Our local movie theater has banned bags to stop people from bringing in their own food. But don’t worry, I have a few Twix up my sleeve. Everyone at this wedding is crying. Even the cake is in tiers. Did you know zombies don’t eat popcorn with their fingers? Yeah, they like to eat their fingers separately. ​

My best friends and I played a game of hide and seek that went on for hours and hours. What they say is true. Good friends are hard to find. ​ My friend broke his arm and got a cast. He was letting people sign it. So on it I wrote, “And you’re an ugly one too!” He asked me, “What’s that all about?” I told him I added insult to injury. ​ I’m buying a new couch at the furniture store. The woman said the one we picked could fit six people without any problems. I realized it wouldn’t work. I don’t know six people without any problems. What do you call friends that you like to eat with? Taste buds.

The inventor of the hula hoop passed away this past weekend. I learned from reading his obituary that he was really famous in certain circles. ​ Someone tried to sell me a coffin. But that’s the last thing I need. ​ The inventor of the throat lozenge passed away. There was no coffin at his service. The man who invented the zero died and had his funeral today. On behalf of us all, thanks for nothing. ​ Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. At a funeral today, a man approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora." The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot.” Another man comes up and asks, "Mind if I say a word, too?" She nods. He says, "Bargain." The widow replies, "Thanks, that means a great deal." Another man comes up and says, "Infinity." The widow replies, "Thank you. That means more than you could possibly imagine." Another man comes up, clears his throat and says, "Water pit." The widow replies, “Thanks, I know you mean well." The last man comes up and says, "Mind if I say a few words, too?" She nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Being alive." The widow sheds a tear and replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

I had a joke about putting in a light bulb, but I’m afraid I’ll screw it up. I had a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction. I had a joke about banking, but I lost interest. I had a joke about cows, but I don't want to milk it. I had a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it. I had a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it. I had a joke about archeology, but you probably wouldn’t dig it. I had a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don't have the guts to tell it. I had a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking. I had a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time. I had a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head. I had some jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

My doctor told me I didn’t have any imagination. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve been trying to break up with an optician recently, but it’s been really hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she leans in closer and says, “Can you see me now?” ​ I told the doctor I didn't want brain surgery, but she changed my mind. ​ I played hide and seek in the hospital building, but they kept finding me in the ICU. ​ Dogs can’t operate MRI machines…but cats can. ​ I’m at the optometrist and they just told me I’m colorblind. I was totally surprised. The news came out of the purple! ​ Ahh, www.conjunctivitis.com. It’s a sight for sore eyes. ​ The eyes are one of the last parts of your body to die. They dilate. ​​ When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.” ​ The infectious diseases ward of the hospital has the best Wi-Fi. It’s because of all the hotspots. ​ Medical students hate the test on kidney stones. It's the hardest one to pass. ​ Why did the doctor laugh at the X-ray of an arm? Because he found the X -ray humerus. ​ Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? Yeah, it runs in the jeans. ​ I just bought a book on medical procedures. Imagine my surprise when I opened it up and the appendix was missing! ​ Do you know why doctors are always so calm? Because they have lots of patients. I’m actually not feeling well. I caught a cold while on this carousel. I think there is something going around. ​​ I bought a bottle of head lice treatment yesterday but there were no instructions on how to use it. To be perfectly honest, it’s left me scratching my head. Do you remember the joke I told you about the chiropractor? ...Really? It was about a weak back.

What is a balloon’s least favorite type of music? Pop. I am not a fan of elevator music. It’s bad on so many levels. ​ Why do jazz musicians put their trumpets in the freezer? Because everyone loves cool jazz. ​ What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and a bottle of glue? You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. (Oh, what about the glue? Yeah, people get stuck on that.) ​​ What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two. ​ Never let young children watch the orchestra. There’s too much sax and violins. ​ What is the difference between a ukulele player and a savings bond? One will mature and make money. ​ I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands. ​ Two wind turbines are having a conversation. One asks the other, “What is your favorite type of music?” The other responds, “I’m a heavy metal fan.”

I don’t trust trees. There’s just something about them that’s shady. ​ Something about dirt. It just seems beneath me. ​ Why is grass so dangerous? Because it's full of blades. I actually had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn. He just didn’t cut it.​ Did you hear about the award-winning scarecrow? He’s the most outstanding in his field. What do you find in the middle of the ocean? The letter E. Is the ocean confident? Yeah, it’s 100% shore. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. How does the ocean keep up with the news? It just tracks current events. Why should you never play hide and seek with a mountain? Because it is always peaking. ​ I tried catching fog the other day. Mist.

Someone told me a dad joke about amnesia, but I forget how it goes. So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra… I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around. ​ I was addicted to soap, but I got clean. ​​ Remember, rehab is for quitters. ​ I won’t sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia. I used to have a fear of painting, but I brushed it off. To all those who said I wouldn’t amount to anything because of my procrastination, just you wait! I tried to draw a circle today, but it was pointless. ​​ If you’re feeling cold, go sit in the corner. (It’s 90 degrees.) ​ Remember, if at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you! ​ Towels are the leading cause of dry skin. ​ Gravity is studied a lot because it’s a very attractive field. Someone invented a pen that can write underwater (but it can write other words, too). Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table. I don’t mean to brag, but cashiers are always checking me out. Nobody has seen the Zamboni driver, but I’m sure he’ll resurface eventually. Of all the inventions in the past 100 years, as an educator, I think the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable. I always wanted to be a hot air balloon pilot, but that career never really got off the ground. I caught my daughter chewing on a power cable today, so I had to ground her. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger…then it hit me. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went…and then, it dawned on me. Camping is fun...because it’s intense. There’s a new channel for origami enthusiasts, but it’s only on paper-view. 6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

How do you make a pirate furious? Take away the “p.” What's a pirate's favorite letter? You’d think it’s arrrhhhh…but they’re actually quite fond of the sea. ​ What do you call a pirate with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. ​ Where can you find a pirate who has lost his two wooden legs? Right where ye left him. ​ How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced? About a buccaneer. ​ A pirate went to the doctor and said, “I have moles on me back.” The doctor said, “It’s OK they’re benign.” The pirate replied, “Count again. I think there be ten.” ​ Do you know why pirates are called pirates? No reason. They just arrrrhhh. ​ Why’d the pirate go to the Apple store? He needed a new iPatch. ​ Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C. I drive around and sell pies out of my car: lemon meringue for $10 and key lime for $8. These are the Pie-rates of the Car-I-be-in.

I just saw Les Misérables in the theater. Personally, I think that whole French rebellion thing was staged. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints. I’m at the Las Vegas Pinball Hall of Fame and every machine here takes quarters except for this one from the Lord of the Rings. This one only takes Tolkiens.

A police officer started crying today as he was writing me a speeding ticket. When I asked him why he was crying, he said, “It’s a moving violation.” ​ Why did the coffee file a police report? Because he got mugged. ​ I got arrested for stealing an entire set of encyclopedias. When I got caught, I told the police, “Hold on, hold on. I can explain everything.”

What do you call a nun that sleepwalks? A Roman Catholic. What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights. ​ What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale. (Hey, even Batman likes that joke. His favorite part is the punchline.) ​ Why do we say ‘a men’ instead of ‘a women’ at the end of songs at church? Because they’re hymns, not hers.

Why did Chuck Norris destroy the periodic table? Because he only recognizes the element of surprise. Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. (What? It’s a light sentence. It gives them time to reflect.) ​ I was reading today’s headline that global warming is expected to kill every single person on the planet. It’s a good thing I’m married. I’m so glad I was able to convince my daughter not to date this guy named Kelvin. He’s an absolute Zero.

How do you know if you bought good fireworks? Because the guy at the store gives you a high four on the way out. I saw someone at a store trying on new shoes, but he said they were too small. The salesperson said, “Try them with the tongue out.” The customer put the shoes back on and said "Thtill thoo thmall." ​ I gave an Afghan purse to my daughter. She said, “Thanks for the bag, dad.” ​ Do you know where to take your cat when it loses its tail? Walmart: they’re the world’s largest retailer. ​​​ There’s a big sale down here at the Lego store. People are lined up for blocks. ​ What do you call security guards standing outside of the Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy. I’m selling my limbo dancing equipment for $10. I won’t go any lower. There’s a mysterious crime spree going on here at IKEA. The police are still trying to put all the pieces together.

What happens to football players who go blind? They become referees. Where does a baseball player go when he needs a new uniform? New Jersey. ​ Someday, I want to make an edgy football joke on Facebook. Yeah, that’s my goal post. ​​ What is a football player’s least favorite drink? Penaltea. ​ Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants when going golfing? In case they get a hole in one. ​​ Have you ever tried archery blindfolded? You don’t know what you’re missing. ​ ​​ So, I was out hunting, and I wanted to exchange a deer for a box of fireworks. Yeah, I wanted the best bang for my buck. ​ A friend asked me where my sister went hunting. I said, “Alaska.” He said, “Never mind, I’ll ask her myself.” ​ I made my own playlist for when I go hiking. It has some of my favorite music, from the cranberries, the peanuts, and the artist Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

Why did Disneyland discontinue their line of Star Wars cookies? They were way too chewy. ​ Why do stormtroopers only have iPhones? Because they couldn’t find the androids they were looking for. ​ Why can a Jedi swing lightly and still cut through anything? Because they use a lot of force. ​ The stormtroopers are going to be sent to the firing squad. Yeah, they’ll be missed. ​ What is a stormtrooper’s favorite store? The one next to Target. ​ What is the least likely way for a stormtrooper to die? Shooting himself. ​ Why don’t the Jedi have a Navy? Because sailing is one step closer to the dockside. ​ Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow! ​ Did you know that Darth Vader’s ex-wife is in every single Star Wars movie? Yeah, her name is Ella. ​ How is a stormtrooper like an empty church? Both of their pews are missing people. ​ If you’re dating someone who doesn’t like Star Wars puns, then you’re looking for love in Alderaan places. ​ What do you call 5 Siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-kabob! ​ A clone trooper walks into a pub and asks the barman, “Hey, have you seen my brother?” “I dunno,” says the barman, “What does he look like?”

Did you hear about the skeleton that barely made it out of the haunted house? It was a marrow escape. ​ So, I’m at this waterpark and the kids tried a couple of slides. Now I’m worried that they are getting addicted. It’s a slippery slope. If ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.

You know, Doc from “Back to the Future” didn’t actually use his DeLorean all that much. He just used it from time to time. I went to Career Day at my daughter’s school this week, and they asked what I did for a living. I told them I raced cars. They said, “Wow, do you win a lot of races?” I said, “No, the cars are much faster than I am.” ​ Did you hear about the two tow truck drivers that eloped? They got hitched. ​ My tires were running low on air, so I went to a gas station to pump them back up. They have coin-operated machines now, so I put in my 3 quarters, but I could only fill up 3 tires before time ran out. I put in 3 more quarters and filled in the last tire. It cost me $1.50! Well, I guess that’s inflation for you. ​ Three guys are on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but they have nothing to light them with. So, one guy throws a cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter. ​ Did you hear about the Bluetooth iceberg? Any ship that gets near it will automatically sync. Do you know how a train can hear another train coming? It uses its engin-ears. A bike collapsed the other day. Must have been too tired. Every morning when I leave the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle. What sound does a rubber airplane make? Boeing. What do you call an airplane that flies backward? A receding airline. The flight attendants keep hanging those car air fresheners all over my airplane cabin. They say it really helps with descent. The flight attendant didn’t let me change seats when I sat next to a crying baby. Turns out they won’t let you do it if the baby is yours. A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly, and as you can see, they were Wright. ​

I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage, but I lost the case.

Mexico Why does Tinker Bell like to vacation in Mexico? To visit her cousin, Taco Bell. Paris What does a tic and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both parasites. ​​​ I dropped my phone from the Eiffel Tower. It’s okay, it was in airplane mode. Hawaii When you’re on welfare in Hawaii, you get free pineapple. It's called being on the dole. ​ I thought Hawaii was a tourist destination. But all the license plates there were from in-state. ​ My geometry teacher went to Hawaii. When he came back, he was a tan gent. ​ Why is playing craps better in Hawaii? Because it’s a tropical pair-a-dice. ​ I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I guess I should have cooked it at “aloha” temperature. ​ I can never get a good laugh from guys wearing Hawaiian shirts. I can only get a-lo-ha. ​ To be honest, I couldn’t afford this vacation to Hawaii. I had to put it on lei-away. ​ What do you call two polar bears on a date in Hawaii? Lost. ​ What would the Taj Mahal be called if it were in Hawaii? Taj Mahalo. ​ I never see my wife and daughter anymore, and it’s all because of gambling. Yeah, I won the lotto and moved to Hawaii. ​ Why didn’t the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii? Their flight was de-leied. I never see my wife and daughter anymore and it’s all because of gambling. I won the lottery and moved to Hawaii. Las Vegas How does a gambling addict refer to heaven? They call it “pair-a-dice.” ​ People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer. We now live in a one-bedroom unit. ​ My friend’s gambling is getting out of hand. He just bet his newborn son in our game of poker. I think I might have to raise him. ​ A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction. It’s okay. He’s a little better. ​ What do you call a professional poker player who broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless. ​ You know what would make gambling hotlines better? Make every fifth call a winner. ​ My wife says she’s going to leave me because I have a gambling problem. But I bet she’s bluffing. ​ Why does the Dali Lama enjoy Las Vegas? Because he loves Tibet.​​

What do you call a group of guys lining up to get their haircut? A barber-queue. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious. What do you call a watch on someone’s belt? A waist of time. What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it! ​ When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down. My wife is angry with me because I’m obsessed with sailing puns. Canoe believe that? My wife complains I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I never knew she sold jewelry. ​ My wife just opened the door for me. It would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 75 MPH. ​​ I’m getting my wife a new refrigerator for her birthday. I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it. ​ My wife try to convince me that duvets are better than comforters. I told her she needs to be careful making such blanket statements. ​ I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of ChapStick. She still isn’t talking to me. ​ I asked my wife if she would like a stunning diamond necklace for Christmas. She said nothing would please her more. So this year, I’m getting her nothing instead. ​ My wife’s birthday is next week. She keeps leaving jewelry magazines all over the house. I’m no dummy. I can take a hint. So for her birthday, I’m getting her a magazine rack. ​ My wife said I have two major faults. I don’t listen…and something else. ​ So, my wife called me on the way home from work and asked me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home. I think she’s still a little angry she let me name the twins. ​ My wife comes to me and again says, “You need to do more chores around the house.” I said, “Can we change the subject?” My wife says, “Sure. More chores around the house you need to do.” ​ I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. So she hugged me. ​ I get so frustrated when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy. It’s not like I did anything. ​ My wife is really mad that I have no sense of direction. So, I packed up all my stuff and right. ​​ My wife sent me to the grocery store to pick up six cans of Sprite. When I got home, I realized I picked 7-Up. My wife asked me if I could clear the table. I had to get a running start, but I made it.

What did the carpenter say when he finished building his house? “Nailed it!” I like to name things around the office. For example, my printer is named Bob Marley. Cause it always be jammin'. Did you hear about the optometrist who switched professions to become a comedian? He made a total spectacle of himself. I just got a job making periscopes with a submarine manufacturer! Yeah, things are looking up. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationary. I hate my job. All I do is crush cans. It’s just soda pressing. My grandpa spent his whole life in the kebab business. He hoped I’d follow in his footsteps, but I didn’t. In fact, he was buried with all of his equipment, and now he’s probably turning in his grave. (Too soon?) My dad is a road worker. When he got fired for theft, I couldn’t believe it. But when I got home, I realized: all the signs were there. The scarecrow loves his job! He always says, “This job isn’t for everyone, but HEY, it’s in my jeans!" I have a Russian friend who's a sound engineer. And he’s a Czech one, too. A Czech one, too. Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate. When I get into work, I immediately hide. Good employees are hard to find. ​ Nobody laughed at my post office joke today. I guess it's all in the delivery. How do lumberjacks know how many trees they’ve cut down? They keep a log. What do you call a factory that just makes mediocre products? A satisfactory.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense. ​ I’m afraid of elevators. I’m taking steps to avoid them. (But I don’t trust the stairs either. They’re always up to something.) Don’t blame others for the road you’re on. That’s your own asphalt. What is blue and not very heavy? Light blue. Did you hear about the guy who invented escalators? He was mechanically inclined. ​ I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. But it’s OK. He says he can stop anytime. ​ What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds. ​​​ Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? Cause he had a terrible summer. ​ What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly squats! ​ What has 5 toes and isn’t your foot? My foot. ​ You think gas prices are expensive, have you seen chimneys? They’re through the roof. ​ Almost all garden statues have red hats. It’s a little gnome fact. My washing machine broke. I reached in to find my favorite shirt destroyed. It looks like it was murdered. It was a casual T. ​​ How do you prepare for a space party? You planet. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES! ​ Sometimes I bring my knees up to my chest and throw myself forward. That’s just how I roll. Well, that was unexpected. I’ve just been expelled from mime class. Must’ve been something I said. I ran into a lamppost yesterday, Luckily, I only sustained light injuries. How do you get a baby alien to fall asleep? You rocket. ​ Why did the dictator ban carousel rides in his country? He deemed them revolutionary. Jokes about plaid are simply not okay. Too many lines get crossed. Did you hear about the king who was exactly 12 inches tall? He was a great ruler! I found a wooden shoe in my toilet. It was clogged. One day, the boy who sat next to me at school ate his calculator. Everybody said he was a weirdo. But I told them, “It’s what’s inside him that counts.​” Why don't skeletons like parties? Because they have no body to dance with. Why did the man fall down the well? Cause he couldn’t see that well. I work out almost every day. Friday I almost worked out. Saturday I almost worked out. Sunday I almost worked out. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. Stopping graffiti around here has really become an unmanageable task. The only effort to reduce it has been a complete wash. What do you call an iPhone in a blender? Apple juice! My friend just moved into his new apartment on the twelfth floor. He thought it was on the thirteenth floor, but that’s another story. I was so close to winning the World’s Most Congested Nose Competition. But, at the last minute, I blew it. I just saw a man standing on one leg at the ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing. He said, “Just checking my balance.” I’m thinking of becoming a hitman. I hear they make a killing. What do you call a teacher who never passes gas in public? A private tutor!

(No, really, we mean it) What’s the difference between an Italian wedding and an Italian funeral? One less drunk. ​ I told my doctor that every time I pass through one country to another, I need a drink. He told me I’m borderline alcoholic. Why are people with a foot fetish losers? Because they like to taste defeat. I was dining at this restaurant, and I asked the waitress, “Can I ask you a question about the menu, please?” She slapped me across the face and said, “The men I please is none of your business.” ​ I’ve just joined a dating site for arsonists. Still waiting for a match. ​ If Bob has 30 chocolate bars and east 25, what does he have? Diabetes. ​ My friend gave me his EpiPen while he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it. ​ The cheapest meat you can buy right now are deer testicles. Yeah, they’re under a buck. ​ My son asked me what I wanted for Father’s Day. I said a paternity test. ​ What’s worse than having ants in your pants? Uncles. ​ What’s the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One is a superhero, and the other is a command. ​ PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period. ​ I told my wife my underwear was tight and uncomfortable. She said I should probably start wearing my own. ​ I just got a part in the movie Cocaine! But I only have one line. I was kidnapped by a pack of mimes. They performed unspeakable acts on me! ​ What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.